


The Next Thirty Years

by petitepc



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety Disorder, Child Abuse, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-05-28 00:54:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15037100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petitepc/pseuds/petitepc
Summary: The first blow came, then the second. He shouldn’t fight but he did. He thrashed around, twisting his body trying to break away but what could a tiny boy who only weighed around 85 pounds do to fight off an angry alcoholic with no warmth left in his heart? Nothing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started writing this back in summer of 2017 when my ocd was at it's worst, so this was heavily influenced by my life and my experience with things. but everything that written on here isn't all based on my experience. for example, i was never physically abused by my father, etc, etc.
> 
> please note that this isn't the best. I haven't written anything in nearly a year and i've decided to get my life back on track, including my hobbies.

The atmosphere was odd, faint yet almost impossible to not detect. The kind of atmosphere which would be appreciated for being so peaceful and quiet, only settling in where night never truly meant rest and where day masked its lively reputation. Only a few individuals knew that such a calm aura in a place that was so out of place never meant well. Yet they kept quiet because it didn't bother them, it couldn't. Anxiety was unable to reach their sight, mostly because they were born with such mentality that protected them from a lifestyle that meant only danger to their sanity.

  
A few unlucky ones were born with it or developed it during their path of survival, suddenly being blinded by small aspects, tiny details which if they could spot within a minute, even seconds. It is impossible to avoid the itch under one's skin whenever the rising anxiety returned to haunt their mind for some time before they took action. It's a different experience for each and everyone but so familiar that no one would be able to tell if it even was real.

  
This particular mentality has both fascinated and confused intellectuals who took a closer look at the smaller part of teachings of psychology that has been abused of its true meaning. They wanted to learn more, to understand and help, they stated. A small boy, sitting on a ledge at sunrise scoffed when he merely thought of people’s proclaims and intentions. Changkyun, the boy on the ledge with bruises visible on his skin and slightly torn clothes that haven't been properly washed for quite some while by the looks of it, didn't think it was fascinating, confusing or even understandable. It was like a pain, an irritating thought at night or the frustration when feeling stares bore onto the back of your head during a walk around your neighborhood at night or even daytime, but much more.

  
Changkyun couldn't fully grasp how almost all humans lived with such ease and not having to worry about something happening, details not matching, colors, shapes and sizes standing out when everything else fit perfectly. He couldn't either understand how they are able to let themselves be touched by the disgusting filth that could've been places only god knows where and not claw their skin in panic, trying but failing to get that itch away.

  
But the boy didn’t let himself think too much about it, for his own sanity and wellbeing as his thoughts could at times spiral out of control and cause great accidents. He stood up from his position, wary of his steps and journey away from the rooftop and to the apartment, he has been calling home for the past three out of thirteen years. The only place he could truly call his safe place, the smallest bedroom in the apartment right next to the bathroom where some of his cruelest memories lay.

  
However, before that Changkyun had to make it through the living room safely where his father was most likely moping around. And it wasn’t like the small boy feared him, no most defiantly not. He was just tired of seeing the mess around his father, how his whole world seemed to fall down on him and his life slowly seeping away drink by drink. Pity described his relationship with the man that brought him to life and into a merciless society, not fear.

  
The oak door made no sound when being opened slowly and Changkyun entered as soundless. He slipped off his converse shoes, placed them neatly at the side with the rest of the shoes he earlier organized by size before going out and tiptoed into the living room that reeked of cigarettes and alcohol. There was another reason why his room was the only safe place in the whole complex. Every other room made his abdomen twist, mouth go dry and the itching return all at the same time, making him desperately want to throw up the small amount of food his body was digesting.

  
His only effective trick was to avoid everything and not go into details, imagine that it was okay and it surprisingly worked. That was his plan but everything seemed to backfire when he spotted the glass bottle with alcohol on the coffee table, dangerously close to falling down and breaking into a thousand pieces and the anxiety of that happening settled in, and the itch appeared faster than ever in his entire life. It felt as if someone was digging their nails into him and no amount of scratching could take it away. His feet moved on his own, the painful sound of silence settled into his head along with panicked whispers, his arm reaching out to just push the bottle away to avoid it from breaking and leaving a mark on the wooden floor when someone caught his wrist in a dead set grip.

  
He was pushed back, falling onto the floor, confusion was written all over his face for two seconds before comprehending that the meaty and large hand trapping him were his fathers and he was furious, disgusted to catch the sight of his only son and family left in his life.

  
The first blow came, then the second. He shouldn’t fight but he did. He thrashed around, twisting his body trying to break away but what could a tiny boy who only weighed around 85 pounds do to fight off an angry alcoholic with no warmth left in his heart? Nothing.

  
Changkyun finally gave up, slipping into a semi-conscious state while he took the merciless beating of his blood relative. It was better that way, not fully being present as new ugly out-of-place bruises appeared on his body, blood staining the carpet he gripped onto for his poor life and the fact that the bottle had already fallen without his knowledge. After this he could hide in his room for as long as he liked, cleaning himself up, covering the horribleness that was his body with the clothes that was sent to him from his older brother that lived a much better life across the nation. And even if the clothing were too big for him or that he weighed too little for his height, he wouldn’t tell Hyungwon that.

 

When people say they understand just to bring some sort of comfort to a distressed person – they lie, because they really don’t. Even if a big number of people are kind and empathetic doesn’t mean that they could fully understand and live up to the feelings someone had experienced. It’s impossible and no one should make up lies just to make a miserable little boy feel a bit better, to suddenly help him find some hope and maybe, just maybe make him less worried.

  
But the reality is a big slap to the face, a punch to the nose, an aggressive and violent beating till your whole body feels numb, till you don't feel anything but hopelessness while you lay on the cold hard ground, bleeding from your fresh wounds.

  
Changkyun steals, robs people of their money but mostly food like a small can of tomato soup or a loaf of bread. He does bad things to feed himself when his father lays unconscious in his bed because he forgets to attend work and buy groceries for his underweight son. (But it’s not like the amount of money that’s left from his salary is enough for a decent amount of resources anyways.)

  
By the time he turned 16, the thin boy isn’t sure whether to laugh or scream whenever society tells him that they understand and that it’s okay, when it’s not okay, it’s already hell because he has to force himself to roam around a crowded and dirty area that practically screamed ‘filth, filth!’. So he cries. He cries after he checked the lock of his bedroom door numerous times and laid down to just curl up in a ball and hope to die and rot. It happened less and less frequently as the years went on and he wouldn’t be surprised if he one day didn’t have any sobs to let out.

  
Changkyun pushed the thoughts away to focus on walking past every individual in the crowded area, who all seemed to be at least a head or two taller than him which explained why it was so hard to walk as almost everyone bumped into him because they were only looking straight forward or at their accompany.

He was heading towards a coffee shop in of the busiest and famous streets in Seoul after he realized he had gotten more money than usual from his allowance. His father mentioned something with staying out of his sight as a reward but the boy hadn’t been listening when he realized what he could do with the money.

  
And if he was completely honest, he didn’t plan to go out at first because of his crippling anxiety when he thought of how much filthier the streets must be but it was probably an opportunity he would rarely get in the future as long as he lived with his family. He had heard about the shop before, seen it in pictures but never passed by it or laid eyes on it in person. Nevertheless, to say, he was excited and shit scared at the same time but he would survive (hopefully) and if not, he planned on running home if something were to happen.

  
With each step, he took the crowd became smaller and smaller till he arrived at the oddly quiet coffee shop, decorated to blend in with the background of the city. Changkyun visibly relaxed a bit and quietly slipped inside. Luckily no one turned their heads to glance at the relatively short boy to observe and he headed straight towards the small line at the counter. He started practicing his order in his head over and over again and checked to see if he had enough money at least 10 times. He awkwardly shuffled forward when the cashier called the next person in line.

  
He looked to be in his early twenties and was unarguably buff. Anyone could eye his toned muscles through his thin shirt which seemed to almost rip. The poor boy felt extremely intimated by the cashier that he could barely get his words out. The whole time he repeated his lines over and over again went to waste when he was under the gaze of a brick wall.

  
Fortunately for him, a brighter and skinnier employee noticed Changkyun’s distress and put his hand on the man’s shoulder, the man who was absolutely oblivious to Changkyun’s nervous skin picking. The man shrugged when he was told to help the other employees with their orders and wondered why the boy didn’t meet his eyes, not even once.

  
“I’m sorry for my friend, he’s pretty scary the first time you meet him and kind of an airhead sometimes.” The skinny employee with one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen smiled fondly at him, his voice soothing, like of a mother singing her child to sleep. “Take your time since there’s no one behind you in the line. It’s your first time here, right?”  
Nervously, the short boy nodded and fiddled with the hem of his old and oversized hoodie that once belonged to his brother. He checked the employee’s tag and mumbled his order in Minhyuk’s ear when he leaned forward, in a tiny voice that was barely above a whisper. The older male had a smile plastered on his face the whole time he stuttered the words out and later told him to sit down to wait for his vanilla latte after he paid the amount he needed to.

  
“Oh, and your name?” Minhyuk asked, cup in hand with a marker ready to write after he checked in the tiny boxes.

  
“C-Changkyun…”

  
"How about I write Kyunie instead?" The surprise was written on his face when the cute nickname was suggested, even so, he nodded flustered, too scared to say anything against him and scurried off to sit at a table by the window. A few people had already left when he finished his order and the number of customers decreased. He sighed relieved when he sat down at the table where he was seated was much more isolated from the other tables.

  
Changkyun took his wallet out of his pocket and emptied it to count his remaining money and put them in order. He had no one to talk to and nothing else to do to calm the uncomfortable feeling settling in him. Widely smiling to himself when he realized he had a certain amount of money left. He never seemed to question his odd feeling of satisfaction and happiness for specific numbers, well planned and organized objects and clean areas but it was short lived since he’d find something wrong again within a few seconds with his sharp observation.

  
A hand snaked onto his shoulder and he let out a high pitched yelp, looking up startled and alarmed. He, however, made eye contact with Minhyuk who held his vanilla latte in his other hand and he looked concerned and slightly amused at his embarrassing reaction. The remaining customers looked their way with curious and bitter expressions then turning around almost immediately to continue their work or conversations.

  
“I decided to bring you your latte.” Minhyuk continued shortly after when he noticed the confused expression on the younger’s face. “I highly doubt you’d want to return to the counter from how you acted before. Can I sit here?” He nodded dumbly at his question, not thinking straight while he felt extremely grateful for being so considerate of his anxious behavior. But he didn’t get why he would want to sit with someone as scared and wary as him.

  
"Tell me, Changkyun," Minhyuk observed him from head to toe, noticing how his hands shook when grasping for his drink and how thin they were as well. "How old are you?"

  
“I turned 16 a few months ago…” Minhyuk raised his eyes in surprise and hummed, suddenly looking like he was in deep thought. Changkyun took a moment to think of the possibilities of why he seemed so interested to know a few things about him. But not even a few seconds after Minhyuk went quiet, he interrupted the young boy’s train of thought.

  
“Do you have any friends? It’s Saturday evening and not a lot of teenagers come here without their friends. It’s almost like a café for elderly people so I’m kind of surprised.” Minhyuk laughed with a tiny smile on his face to assure the other he meant no harm, but even so, Changkyun felt his abdomen twist uncomfortably at the question.

  
He could understand why he would ask such a thing, it wasn't normal to have no one close to you, not anyone to hang out with on your spare time. And in his opinion, he didn't think he needed anyone. He was intimidated by other kids his age because of how different he acted compared to them and how to mean they could be to him for rubbing his hands together whenever he touched the top shelves or something from the restroom.

  
“Oh… not really.” A voice told him he fucked up when the older male’s expression fell and turned bitter. There was an obvious sympathy in his eyes as well. “I don’t really get along with people my age and I don’t really have time…” He was quick on thinking of excuses and they came to be very handy in public situations, which he was oddly experiencing at the moment.

  
“I’m sure you have something in common with them,” Minhyuk tried, he really did. He doesn’t understand either why he would approach the lonely boy and try to make conversation. Maybe it was one of those weird moments where he felt he needed to be there for others – even if they were strangers. So he didn’t think at all about what would probably be one of his most rash and impulsive decisions yet as an adult.

  
“Maybe we have something in common, heck, we could be soulmates but we wouldn’t know that!” The shorter boy stared at him weirdly, slightly embarrassed for him and his odd statements. Though it didn’t stop the latter from being excited. “How about we meet sometime again? Maybe I could even introduce you to my friends? There might be tiny”, he emphasized, “age gap but we’ll never know if you get along with them if we don’t try. So how about it?”

  
He stared at Minhyuk, processing everything in lightning speed. Changkyun knew fully well how dangerous it was to trust a complete stranger that only handed you a drink a few minutes ago and talked as if you’ve been friends for decades.

  
But did he really care? He had nothing, he was empty and had no real reason to be alive. Would it hurt for him to put his life on the line in an attempt to make some friends? He settled on the answer no and accepted the phone that was handed to him while he fished out his own and did the same.

  
The taller left to work and Changkyun sat there for a short while, drinking his coffee slowly and thinking about the near future, the universe’s plans for him. He would rather look like an outcast, spacing out in a café than go home to his father. And for some strange reason, he felt excited like he didn’t mess up and was for once doing something right.

  
The shop bell rung loudly when he left.

 

Saying that Minhyuk was reckless was an understatement. But saying that he was the most reckless boy to ever exist was definitely an exaggeration. Most of those who would meet him would describe him as a friendly young man who’s overly hyperactive but in reality, deep down and underneath all his childish ideas and playful behavior, Minhyuk was serious.

  
He had seen and met people with all sorts of personalities and perspectives and keeping the same mindset he had when he was a small child would be naïve of him. He knew better. Growing up, he was lucky to live in a small family that only consisted of his mother and grandmother. His life wasn’t perfect, of course not. They all had their problems. His grandmother was struggling every day because of missing out on her education. She couldn’t bring herself to abort her child or give her away from adoption, so she had to choose between missing out on school or leaving her child devoid of attention and affection.

  
Minhyuk’s mother was a strong woman, there was no doubting it. She dedicated her whole life on her studies and taking care of her son and mother that she had no time for her husband. And it wasn’t like he was a bad man. He didn’t drink or do any drugs, and never resorted to violence.

  
But, he was cold. Never spent time with his son and constantly craved attention from his wife, attention she couldn’t give. Minhyuk was glad that they divorced after he ran off with an attractive bartender. And if he was honest, it looked as if a burden had been lifted from her mother’s shoulders.

  
In the end, Minhyuk was always careful with his decisions, even if it seemed as if he didn't know what he was doing, even if he himself was doubtful of his choices. However, following his instincts always seemed to go well for him. And he hoped that getting the number of the small 16 years old would not only make them good friends but also help him get a somewhat stable social life.

  
He was let into Kihyun’s apartment at the second knock and smiled brightly at the shorter male, slightly annoyed that he came so late and almost missed dinner. Minhyuk reached a hand to pinch his cheek but flinched back when a wooden spoon came to swat his hand away. He let out a loud laugh and dodged another swat on the way in.

  
“Why are you so late? Weren’t you going to be here an hour ago?” Kihyun let out a sigh and walked with Minhyuk towards the living area where all of the pots and plates had been placed on the wide wooden table. Hoseok and Hyunwoo were seated by the sofa and Jooheon on the floor, all doing their own thing.

  
"Sorry, I forgot after a while and stayed after work hours." Minhyuk glanced at Hyunwoo and noticed he was still in his uniform. His shifts had been moved around and last night he had to stay in the nearby police station after CPS* had been called. Something about an orphan roaming around during the night.

  
“Mm, well you’re lucky you came just in time then. I made Yukgaejang*.”

  
As he was settling down on the couch and leaving his wallet and keys on the table, Jooheon sits next to him, leans on his shoulder and yawns, obviously tired from being inside all day and not doing anything productive.

  
“Anything new at work? Hoseok-hyung is too boring to talk to since the only thing he does at work is work, like who does that?” He receives a glare from the said man but decides to ignore it. Minhyuk jumps onto the lets-tease-Hoseok bandwagon and talks to the other two in the room about how oblivious he is and the only thing on his mind is ramen. Hyunwoo gives away the occasional chuckle while Jooheon is enjoying the moment way too much.

  
After Kihyun comes back with the last of the servings and they all start eating does Hyunwoo drop the bomb.

 

“Huh?”

  
“What?”

  
“No way! Are you joking or is Hyungwon actually coming back!?” Hoseok stared dumbfounded at the taller while Kihyun ran his hand up and down on Minhyuk’s back after he nearly choked on the food he was eating.

  
Hyungwon hadn’t been seen by the group in nearly 6 months. He had decided to travel back to his hometown after what seemed like forever. No one knew why or what he was doing over there but it must have been serious if he took half a year off from his university courses. It was odd, because even if they were all extremely close to each other, Hyungwon had never gone into detail of his family or home life before he moved to the big city, and it hadn’t looked like he was going to let them in on anything he was planning.

  
But nonetheless, they weren’t going to stop supporting him of his decisions. Which explained why they were so happy when finding out he was soon enough back into their lives again.

  
Hyunwoo nodded, his posture finally relaxed for the first time that day and smiled his signature smile. “I’m not kidding, he’ll be here next week.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CPS = Child Protective Services
> 
> Yukgaejang = Korean Spicy shredded beef stew
> 
> if you liked this please please let me know and give me some critique so i can improve. if there is something that you don't understand, i'll happily explain.


	2. Chapter 2

Hyungwon couldn't put any words to what he was feeling. Well, he could if he really, really tried but Hyungwon didn't know how to put words to it all. He hated admitting to himself that he was wrong, but he hated not knowing the answer to something even more. Being left in the dark, in general, was too much of a burden for him to handle. The lanky man prided himself for being so knowledgeable and studious that it almost seemed like that was the only thing he was thinking about. Studying, grades, university, diplomas, and paperwork.

God, how Hyungwon wished that was true. In the beginning, he was like that. Always studying, trying to redirect his emotional pain elsewhere with unhealthy methods. Later on, did he stop thinking so much about his education, it became the sixth sense to multi-task while pondering on thoughts that he wished never crossed his mind.

  
He thought a lot, almost as much as he slept and studied. His time spent on sorting through all of his questions and thoughts could almost rival Shown in strength.

  
Most of the time his thinking wasn't something anyone should take seriously, it was rather stupid in Hyungwon's opinion. But sometimes his thinking would go deep. Deeper than he was comfortable with. He wondered what he was doing with his life, the life he got after he ran away and hid till he was old enough to take care of himself. He despised the man that refused to love him and his baby brother but insisted on keeping them in his apartment. Drastic times call for drastic measures but even so, he did regret leaving Changkyun...

_"Hy-hyung, noooooo, no please come back." Hyungwon hated it when Changkyun sniffled. It made him uncomfortable and guilt-ridden, even if he hadn't done anything or if Changkyun had just merely caught a cold._

_But this time, he knew that he was the culprit, the one responsible for blocking the bedroom door with a chair while the younger slammed his fists as hard as he could on the hardwood. It wasn't fair but he had to do this. It was now or never._

_The sickly thin teen crouched down and started whispering under the door. There was a small chance of him being able to calm his distressed sibling and make him listen to the last words he'll hear from him in a while._

_"Yaya, why are you crying? Huh? Hyung is just going away for a small while, he's not going to disappear. You hear?" The silence that followed after made Hyungwon almost choke on his breath. Tips of his Changkyun's fingers peeked under the door like he was trying to reach for him even if he knew he couldn't. Hyungwon shifted his uncomfortable position and decided on sitting down against the wall next to the door, placing his hand gently on his brother's fingertips._

_"Hyung is going to disappear." It was almost impossible to hear him through the barrier that blocked them._

_"Hyung isn't. He's going to come back and bring you with him. I don't know when or how but you're going to be with me. And we'll eat barbeque and kimbap and everything we can afford." Even if he wasn't sniffling anymore, Hyungwon could physically feel the silent tears streaming down his face. His expression twisted uncomfortably. He bit down his lower lip to stop himself from letting any noises out._

_"We'll buy ice cream, right?" His voice was choked. "With sprinkles and chocolate fudge and we're gonna buy plushies as well."_

_"Aren't you too old to be collecting toys?" The first tear dropped. Second. Third. "Anything for you, okay?" He had to leave soon "I'll let you out and I'll give you a final hug before I leave. But promise me to-". Tears streamed down his face like a flood during a rainstorm. "T-to, to not follow, okay..?"_

_He didn't wait for an answer. Hyungwon shakily went through the process of taking the chair away and opening the door that separated them. It seemed like forever before he felt his baby boy wrap his arms around him. His hair smelt of sweat and his whole being screamed at him to stay and Hyungwon didn't know if anyone could cry harder than he did at that moment._

_..._

His head snapped upwards and towards the kind but hesitant flight attendant that carried around a worried expression on her face whenever she was near Hyungwon. As she was about to ask him if he wanted anything, he put his hand up and smiled politely.  
"I'm good, thanks for asking, ma'am."

She nodded her head slowly and forced a bright smile on her lips. "Very well."

The small cart containing beverages and products slowly rolled away to the row before him. He was exhausted, to say the least.

Longing for his small apartment one story above Kihyun's was something he had been doing for nearly every day he was gone. It was cozy and kind of empty but Hoseok didn't think he needed to buy more furniture and Hyungwon completely agreed. There was something about clean and untouched rooms that soothed his mind and lifted the tension from his shoulders. Probably because there wasn't much to take in but he liked to think that there was another reason for it. A more spiritual one.

  
Damn, he sounded ridiculous. Closing the pocketbook, he had bought halfway through the plane ride, he massaged his temples as he felt an upcoming migraine. Hyungwon didn't handle emotions too well and reading the small book about a mother's experience of losing her daughter and her husband in the span of 20 months, was a bad idea when he rarely ever was in a good headspace.

The lanky and exhausted man leaned back in his seat, pushed his thoughts away and prepared for landing. For the small time of rest, he was going to give himself, he might as well make good use of it.

 

The more days passed by, the more he got to know about Minhyuk and his small group of friends he considered family. It was only a matter of weeks before he was introduced to the group. The infamous Kihyun was the first one to properly meet him and by the looks of it, his strained facial features visibly softened when he started speaking to Changkyun. It was like his appearance brought back the elder's youth with a single look.

Yoo Kihyun was like a puzzle to Changkyun. Minhyuk described him as an angry old lady but stuck in the body of a young male. But at the same time, there were times when he spoke of him with nothing but admiration and fondness. The younger didn't know how to make an impression out of what he's heard and seen. Heck, he was still unsure now. The only thing that soothed his worries was the fact that man seemed to take a liking to him.

Hoseok and Jooheon had met him during one of their meetups. They decided to tag along and see the boy for themselves. Changkyun couldn't fight down the blush that crept on his cheeks when they told him that Minhyuk talked about him. A lot.

Despite feeling extremely awkward and uncomfortable when they met up, they hit it off very quickly. Jooheon talked about rapping and music to him, an interest that Changkyun didn't have time to pick up on. He had once sneaked into an underground rap concert when we lived in his hometown but other than that, he was rarely able to talk to someone about it.

Hoseok was a little more drawn back than Joohoen and Minhyuk but nonetheless, he seemed very keen on what he had to say.

Changkyun's struggles didn't diminish but the very small structure of his social life had helped him cope more healthily and feel... happy. Even if he had yet to meet Hyunwoo. They all said that he was much like an awkward oversized care bear with macho muscles more than anything but as they talked about his work as a cop and his involvement with the CPS, Changkyun felt tense.

He didn't have any grudges against CPS but when he was younger, his father would tell him and Hyungwon awful stories about what they'd do to orphans. Even though he knew that the stories of them tearing families apart and forcing children into labor was an exaggeration, it stuck to him like glue. Their father had a way of guilt-tripping them into terror filled submission.

By the looks of his new friends, they spoke of him like some sort of saint that they all trusted their life with. So, he didn't sound bad at all but his anxiety would always think otherwise.

The first time he visited Minhyuk's apartment, Minhyuk had made him try some Japanese sweets with hot chocolate while he blabbered on about his personal life. The younger's quiet behavior had made him stop mid-sentence several times to check if he still was listening to his stories. Changkyun was, of course, paying attention to him, he always was, especially since the joyful boy had always been so kind to him.

"You know, you make it really hard for me to know what you're thinking about." Minhyuk giggled and motioned for him to take another cookie that was meant to be shaped like a raccoon. It looked more like a bear and a cat hybrid to Changkyun.

"Isn't that better?" Changkyun muttered. He thought about it. Actors were able to keep themselves stone-faced in embarrassing scenes and being unresponsive would be a great trait to have as a detective or an agent.

The other shook his head. "Work-wise, yeah, but it's easier not to be so emotionless when talking to people." Changkyun made a mental note to improve his social skills even further. "But it's fine if you don't show much emotion if you don't want to. You remind me of someone, though I don't think you've met him."

  
"Oh yeah?"

"Mm, he came home a few weeks ago, his name's Hyungwon. He's a lanky dude, really handsome but sometimes he can look so cold."

"O-oh."

He tensed a little bit. Changkyun had heard his brother's name come up in a conversation between Jooheon and Hoseok but he tried to convince himself that it was just someone else with the same name as him. If he was being honest, the boy isn't sure how he's supposed to react. He hasn't heard from him in a long time. He felt as if he was supposed to be angry at him, furious even. But all he did feel was an aching and sad pain.

"You can meet him when you're ready. He was hoping to meet you on Friday but I think he'd understand if you're too anxious about it." The red-haired man took notice of his sudden shift of behavior and easily mistook it as him being scared of meeting new people. Minhyuk tried to not scare the small boy as much as possible but it was hard since he constantly seemed to be on the brink of instability.

"...I'll manage." Changkyun tried to smile the least worrying and most genuine smile yet. The latter smiled back at him after a short while and reached for his mug.

 

To Changkyun, the lukewarm water was one of the most pleasant feelings we knew of. Running his hands down his body, fingers tracing some of his more notable scars on his thigh and arms, being either self-inflicted or printed onto him without consent. He never took showers, only baths. It was more satisfying for him to experience the way the temperature changed the more he laid in it, a lot more immersive of the changes around him.

Sometimes he'd go underwater to not only see how long he could go without struggling but also to let himself know that there were a ton of different ways to go down. He felt alive when his lungs burned when his feet and hands started twitching in panic but still being able to upkeep his posture underwater.

The young boy wasn't too sure why he pulled himself up every time. He didn't particularly like gasping for air or the realization of his existence that came crashing down on him eventually. Maybe it had to do with what he thought was unfinished deeds involving his new-found friends or his brother. Maybe even his father had some sort of space in his heart, no matter how much he doubted it.

Stepping out of the tub and sitting on the toilet seat with a towel wrapped around him while watching the water go down the drain, Changkyun thought it was an oddly peaceful setting despite the situation and distaste in his mouth at the thought moving forward. He turned his head, looking straight at the reflection of himself in the full-length mirror.

By the looks of it, he might've gained a pound or two. He did feel guilty that Minhyuk had paid a few times for a meal or snack for him but he still felt extremely thankful and even relieved.

He was forcefully pulled out of his trance by the startling crash outside the bathroom. It was most defiantly his father. Changkyun pulled on his jeans and t-shirt, cringing at the clamminess of his skin from the humid temperature in the bathroom and hoped to god that he wouldn't regret investigating.

It was odd and scary to see his father kneeling on the floor, grasping onto the end of the counter to stabilize himself. Tears were running down his cheeks and the smell of bourbon invaded his senses. The thin boy froze, shock evident in his expression. His body moved on its own, disobeying the alarm that went on in his head and slowly but surely moved towards the man. They shared a glance, the older man's eyes looking the most sincere and pained look Changkyun had ever seen the man have.

People always have their reasons for things, no matter how unclear it was to them or the people around. Changkyun realized that what his father had done to him wasn't right, yet he couldn't lie to himself that he was an emotionless human to the core. He had life left in him, he shared happiness with someone a long time ago. Maybe he was angry at his son because he couldn't leave him and just end it all.

Maybe there was a drop of red blood left in his black heart.

The younger didn't remember much after, other than sitting with his father on the living rooms couch and texting his friend that he couldn't make it to the little event they organized.

 

"Pass me the onions, would you?"

"Say please." He held the bowl over his head, knowing damn well that it annoyed Kihyun.

"Fuck you."

Hyungwon rolled his eyes, placing it down by the cutting board and moved away just in time to avoid the small hand that was just about to jab him. Hyungown was responsible, but despite knowing how to cook for himself, he preferred to "help" Kihyun so that he would have dinner made for him. He said that it was "fair trade" while the latter said it was called "scamming others for your own benefits". Everyone else always took Hyungown's side to tick Kihyun off even more.

"You got a new dining table?" He noted, remembering the green painted furniture Shown got from his grandma as a "congrats-on-being-an-adult" present. It was replaced by a white and sleek IKEA table that most likely took too long for them to put together.

"Yeah, got it during black Friday. Don't you dare ruin it or I will personally walk you to IKEA so that you can buy a new one for me." His threat was empty, despite how angry he could make himself sound.

"Uhuh, yeah okay." The lanky man sat down on the seat across from a focused Shownu, who glanced up from his paperwork halfheartedly to acknowledge him. He wasn't in his uniform but in a pair of sweatpants and a tight cotton shirt that did his muscles justice alright.

His work used to involve running after bad guys but Kihyun's growing concern for his childhood friend grew when he came back late hours after rough shifts. Shownu didn't mind switching branches. There was a lot of things that Shownu didn't mind, which was an admirable trait in Hyungwon's opinion. It annoyed Kihyun to no end since he was the complete opposite.

The buff man's involvement with bringing children to safety and ensuring a healthy environment to people warmed not only Hyungwon's heart but also everyone in their friend group.

"Hey, hyung?" Both of the older men turned their head towards him, despite only one being addressed to. "Can you do me a favor?" Hyungwon made clear eye contact with the eldest, knowing that the serious look in his eyes was a sign that he couldn't go back on his words any longer.

"Hm?"

"There's this person I know, and he's very special to me. But he's in a bad place right now, so if he ever needs to get out of there, will you help him for me?" Hyungwon was glad he held eye contact with the latter, despite it making people uncomfortable, it was a professional quirk that showed self-confidence and could unravel emotions within a person that would otherwise be hard to spot in body language and their wording. Right now, he had a feeling Shownu, even Kihyun who had his back turned away from them, knew who he was talking about.

It was a tension that everyone in the group felt. It hung over them like a thick fog during a cold winter morning but not something they could address directly without feeling like they're intruding into a sensitive area.

"Of course." He didn't say anything after that, sparing the already thick atmosphere of the question, ‘what is he to you?'. Kihyun hoped that only time will tell when they get their questions answered and the worry in the household will decrease to a minimum. It would be unrealistic to hope that all their concerns will be gone over time, recovering from something that is able to unconsciously set so many people on edge, Kihyun couldn't imagine.

 

Music was a common interest among his friends, they were all for him applying for jobs in music shops and studying performance arts in university but the real joy with it all was the variety of feelings that were conveyed into every song, beat, and verse. He wasn't particularly talented in singing and holding notes but his interest in composing and stringing verses together had sparked something fiercely passionate in him.

He was happy that Changkyun had asked to bring him along to his shift at the retro shop near his university. The owner dedicated her time to bring a nostalgic vibe to the store and made different sections for different genres and eras. Her lectures on music and artistic values were always a fun thing to listen in on.

The younger had never worked, nonetheless in a shop but he reassured him that it wasn't anything to worry about and he'd show him the mechanics of how everything worked. Despite how lively Jooheon made the place sound like, it was a good place to relax and focus in. He promised Changkyun that he'd bring him upstairs to the recording studio they'd often rent out and let him listen in on some of the scheduled recordings.

Usually, Jooheon wouldn't organize his time and would jump head first into activities, but to make sure that his friend would keep his mind occupied, the older would have to improvise. The latter was caught up with something, he noticed. A conflict, or a worrying desire, something that threw his senses away from him and blinded his focus and progress.

"Ah, I'm more into pop music than rock. But I do like some songs from Metallica," Changkyun explained, drumming his fingers on the counter. Jooheon looked over the vinyl cover he held in his hands and steadily put the record back in.

"Is that so? Then what's your favorite artist in the pop genre?"

Changkyun let a thoughtful look slip and pretended to think about the question a bit longer despite already having an answer at the tip of his tongue. "Let's see here now... I'd say Charlie Puth but he has to come second after Adele," The taller strolled over to sit down next to Changkyun on the lounge couch by the window and tilted his head playfully,

"Never saw you as an Adele fan. I thought you'd be into mainstream rappers and well-known producers." Changkyun blushed.

"Well, I mean, I am, but my brother got me into her music since he would always listen to it when going to sleep." There was a faint smile on his lips, a longing in his eyes that Jooheon could only describe as heart-rending. There was a long stifle silence between the two. Changkyun avoided eye contact and Jooheon had the slightest idea why.

"You don't see him often?" He shook his head at him, his body language still. "We don't have to talk about him if you don't want to." Jooheon offered a sympathetic smile, yet his eyes betraying his actions. The smaller leaped up from his comfortable seat and pointed towards the stairs that lead to the studio, a hopeful look masking his previous thoughts.

Jooheon was just glad he was comfortable enough to initiate the next activity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii, i did it. there will probably be two more chapters till i bring this story to an end. soooo, here you go.


End file.
